Setting Goals That Actually Work: A Values-Based Approach for Neurodivergent Minds
Ever made a New Year's resolution only to abandon it by February? Or created ambitious to-do lists that leave you feeling guilty and overwhelmed? You're definitely not alone in this struggle.
The issue is not your willpower or determination, it is that most goal-setting advice assumes everyone's brain works the same way. But neurodivergent minds need a different approach.
Why Most Goal-Setting Fails Us
Traditional goal-setting often pushes us toward what society says we "should" want rather than what genuinely matters to us. We end up with massive, perfection-demanding targets that feel impossible to maintain.
Think about goals like "exercise daily," "never procrastinate again," or "become completely organised." They sound inspiring initially, but quickly turn into sources of self-criticism when reality hits.
Research suggests that neurodivergent individuals are particularly prone to setting unrealistic standards based on neurotypical expectations (Kemp, 2021). These goals often lead to exhaustion and burnout rather than meaningful progress.
What Makes Values-Based Goals Different
Values-based goal setting starts with a fundamental question: what actually makes your life feel meaningful and satisfying?
Your personal values act like an internal compass, pointing toward what brings genuine fulfilment rather than external approval. When goals connect to these deeper motivations, they feel energising instead of draining.
This method draws from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy research, which demonstrates strong evidence for sustainable behaviour change through values-aligned action (Hayes et al., 2006).
Switching from Avoidance to Approach
Many goals focus on what we want to eliminate or escape from. But "stop doing X" goals are notoriously difficult because they don't provide clear direction about what to do instead.
Avoidance-focused: "Stop being so tired all the time" Approach-focused: "Use a wind-down routine to improve sleep quality" or "Schedule 15-minute energy breaks during busy days"
Avoidance-focused: "Stop putting things off"
Approach-focused: "Complete one small task immediately after breakfast" or "Use body-doubling sessions for challenging projects"
Avoidance-focused: "Stop running late everywhere" Approach-focused: "Set departure reminders 45 minutes before appointments" or "Prepare everything the night before"
The approach-focused versions give your brain specific actions to take rather than vague problems to solve.
Why Size Matters (Smaller Is Better)
One major mistake in goal-setting is creating targets that are too ambitious or unclear. Your brain needs concrete, manageable steps to maintain motivation and build momentum.
Neuroscience research on habit formation reveals that small, repeated actions create stronger neural pathways than occasional intense efforts (Clear, 2018). This principle becomes even more important for neurodivergent brains managing executive function challenges.
Overwhelming target: "Transform my entire living space" Manageable alternatives: "Designate one drawer for important documents" or "Spend 10 minutes each evening tidying the kitchen counter"
Overwhelming target: "Build a social network" Manageable alternatives: "Say hello to one neighbour this week" or "Comment meaningfully on three social media posts"
The goal is making each step feel so achievable that skipping it seems harder than doing it.
Discovering What Matters to You
Before creating any goals, invest time in understanding your personal values. Consider these life areas:
Connections with family, friends, and community
Learning and intellectual growth
Creative expression and artistic pursuits
Health and physical vitality
Professional fulfilment and meaningful work
Service to others and social contribution
Environment and living space quality
Recreation and enjoyable activities
Spiritual or philosophical exploration
Select 3-4 areas that genuinely resonate with your sense of purpose and satisfaction.
Building Your Personal Framework
Once you've clarified your values, you can design goals that truly serve your wellbeing:
Phase 1: Define Your Direction Identify one broad life area you'd like to enhance. Keep this general - something like "feel more connected to others" or "have sustainable energy throughout my days."
Phase 2: Connect to Values Which 2-3 personal values relate to this area? For instance, if you want more energy, you might focus on "physical health" and "enjoyable activities."
Phase 3: Create Specific Targets For each value, develop 1-2 concrete, achievable goals that move you forward.
Phase 4: Plan Tiny Actions For every goal, identify 2-3 micro-actions you could complete this week. Make them so small that completion feels inevitable.
Practical Example
Suppose your direction is "reduce overwhelm and increase life satisfaction."
Value Area: Physical Wellbeing Specific Goal: Maintain steady energy levels Micro-Actions:
Request flexible working arrangements for 1-2 days weekly
Practice 3 deep breaths when transitioning between activities
Use grocery delivery services during busy periods
Value Area: Creative Expression
Specific Goal: Regularly engage in creative activities Micro-Actions:
Dedicate one small corner for creative supplies
Block 20 minutes on weekend mornings for creative time
Follow three artists whose work inspires you
These examples show how each action connects directly to what matters while remaining completely doable.
Embracing Imperfect Progress
Here's the crucial insight: deviation from your plan isn't failure - it's completely normal human behaviour.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy researcher Kelly Wilson describes life as a series of "gentle returns" to what matters most. The skill lies not in never getting distracted, but in noticing when you've drifted and compassionately redirecting yourself.
When you miss days, weeks, or longer periods of goal pursuit, practice self-kindness. Simply ask: "What's one small step I can take today to reconnect with what's important?"
This mindset builds resilience and sustainability rather than shame and abandonment.
Your Starting Point
Select one value area and one small goal that resonates with you. Choose the most manageable action you could take this week - something achievable even during difficult days.
Remember, this approach prioritises consistent small movements over dramatic transformations. It's about creating a life that feels authentic and sustainable for your unique brain.
Your neurodivergent mind deserves goal-setting strategies that honour how you actually function. Start small, stay connected to your values, and trust in gradual progress.
Ready to explore further together? Book your first session here: https://therapy-reframe.selectandbook.com/
References
Clear, J. (2018). Atomic habits: An easy and proven way to build good habits and break bad ones. Avery.
Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and commitment therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1-25.
Kemp, J. (2021). The ACT workbook for perfectionism: Build your best (imperfect) life using powerful acceptance and commitment therapy and self-compassion skills. New Harbinger Publications.
Kemp, J., Price, J., Budge, J., Williams, G., & Prosser, H. (2024). The neurodivergence skills workbook for autism and ADHD. New Harbinger Publications.
Wilson, K. G., & DuFrene, T. (2009). Mindfulness for two: An acceptance and commitment therapy approach to mindfulness in psychotherapy. New Harbinger Publications.
This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. If goal-setting difficulties significantly impact your daily functioning, consider consulting with a mental health professional who can provide personalised strategies and support.
