Discovering Your Authentic Self: A Guide to Unmasking Your Neurodivergent Identity
Have you spent years wondering who you really are beneath the mask you wear for others? If you're neurodivergent, the journey to authentic self-discovery might look different from what mainstream advice suggests.
Many ADHD and autistic adults have spent so long adapting to neurotypical expectations that reconnecting with their true selves feels overwhelming. But understanding your authentic identity is crucial for wellbeing and meaningful relationships.
Beyond Social Labels: A Deeper View of Identity
When someone asks "Who are you?", most people respond with social roles: "I'm a teacher," "I'm a parent of three," or "I'm a Christian from Manchester." These labels capture important aspects of identity, but they often feel incomplete for neurodivergent minds.
Research suggests that autistic people and many ADHDers understand identity differently (Vance, 2021). Rather than defining themselves primarily through social roles, they tend to connect identity with what they love doing, what matters deeply to them, and their lived experiences.
This flexible view sees identity as an ongoing, active process that evolves throughout life rather than a fixed set of characteristics.
Four Pathways to Self-Discovery
Authentic self-understanding emerges through exploring four key areas: your values, personal qualities, interests, and observing self. Each pathway offers unique insights into who you are beneath societal expectations.
Understanding Your Values
Values aren't goals you can tick off a list - they're ongoing actions that reflect what matters most to you. They guide your choices, influence how you spend energy, and shape how you interact with others.
For neurodivergent people who've been masking, reconnecting with personal values can feel challenging. You might have followed other people's priorities for so long that your own feel unclear.
Reflecting on Your Legacy
Consider how you'd want to be remembered:
At life's end, I'd want people to describe me as...
The most meaningful aspects of my life will be...
The people I most want to help are...
Many autistic and ADHD adults hold deep values around social justice, fairness, authentic connections, and helping others. These values often matter more than following social norms or hierarchies, which can create conflict but also profound satisfaction when honoured.
Living Your Values Daily
Values express themselves differently across life domains. You might value compassion with family, creativity in work, and authenticity in friendships. The key is identifying which personal qualities feel essential to who you are.
Expressing Personal Qualities
Your authentic self emerges through the personal qualities you choose to express with others. These might include being curious, compassionate, creative, honest, or playful.
Quality Themes
Look for patterns in the qualities that resonate with you:
Compassion themes: Kind, warm, patient, accepting
Achievement themes: Competent, determined, passionate, organised
Playfulness themes: Fun, witty, imaginative, spontaneous
These clusters reveal how you naturally express your values in daily life and relationships.
Celebrating Your Interests
Whether you're fascinated by vintage trains, marine biology, true crime podcasts, or obscure historical events, your special interests are fundamental to who you are. Autistic advocate Chloe Hayden calls these "eye sparkles" - the things that make you light up with joy and energy (Hayden, 2022).
Interest Exploration
Reflect on how your interests connect to identity:
Childhood interests that still bring joy
Collections (physical or digital) that feel meaningful
Interests that influenced career choices or friendships
How interests helped you learn about yourself
Your interests don't need to generate income or become successful side hustles to be valid. They're pathways to satisfaction, wellbeing, and self-acceptance that deserve celebration and time.
Deep Engagement Benefits
When absorbed in special interests, many neurodivergent people experience flow states - periods of complete focus and satisfaction. Notice which personal qualities emerge during these times: perhaps curiosity, persistence, creativity, or joy.
Meeting Your Observing Self
Beneath all the changing thoughts, feelings, and experiences lies something constant - your observing self. This is the part of you that witnesses your life unfold, remaining present regardless of circumstances.
Think of your observing self as the sky, with emotions, thoughts, and behaviours as passing weather. The sky remains unchanged whether storms rage or peaceful clouds drift by. Similarly, your core self remains stable even when you're stressed, overwhelmed, or not living up to your values.
This perspective offers profound freedom. When you can observe difficult emotions or self-critical thoughts from a distance, they lose some power over your responses and choices.
Practical Steps for Unmasking
Start Small
Choose one area - perhaps values or interests - and spend time exploring what genuinely resonates with you rather than what you think should matter.
Notice Masking Moments
Pay attention to situations where you feel you're performing or hiding aspects of yourself. What would it look like to be more authentic in these moments?
Connect with Like-Minded People
Seek communities where your authentic self is welcomed. This might be through interest groups, neurodivergent support networks, or values-aligned organisations.
Practice Self-Compassion
Unmasking is an ongoing process with inevitable setbacks. When you catch yourself people-pleasing or hiding your true nature, gently return to what matters without self-judgment.
Professional Support
Consider working with a therapist who understands neurodivergence and can support your authenticity journey safely.
The Ongoing Journey
Living authentically as a neurodivergent person requires courage and patience. You'll face moments when being true to yourself creates conflict or misunderstanding with others.
The choice often comes down to living according to your values and risking others' disapproval, or feeling inauthentic by constantly adapting to external expectations. While this can be painful, research consistently shows that authentic living leads to greater wellbeing and life satisfaction (Price, 2022).
Remember that unmasking doesn't mean abandoning all social awareness or consideration for others. It means making conscious choices about when and how to adapt whilst maintaining connection to your core self.
Your neurodivergent identity - with all its complexities, intensities, and unique perspectives - deserves to be known, celebrated, and expressed in the world.
Ready to explore me? Book in here and we can do it together: https://therapy-reframe.selectandbook.com/
References
Artemisia. (2018). Identity: A beautiful work in progress. In B. Cook & M. Garnett (Eds.), Spectrum women: Walking to the beat of autism. Jessica Kingsley Publishers.
Hayden, C. (2022). Different, not less: A neurodivergent's guide to embracing your true self and finding your happily ever after. Murdoch Books.
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2016). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Kemp, J., Price, J., Budge, J., Williams, G., & Prosser, H. (2024). The neurodivergence skills workbook for autism and ADHD. New Harbinger Publications.
Price, D. (2022). Unmasking autism: The power of embracing our hidden neurodiversity. Monoray.
Stoddard, J. A., & Afari, N. (2014). The big book of ACT metaphors: A practitioner's guide to experiential exercises and metaphors in acceptance and commitment therapy. New Harbinger Publications.
Twohig, M. P., Levin, M. E., & Ong, C. W. (2021). ACT in steps: A transdiagnostic manual for learning acceptance and commitment therapy. Oxford University Press.
Vance, T. (2021, October 17). The identity theory of autism: How autistic identity is experienced differently. Neuroclastic. https://neuroclastic.com/the-identity-theory-of-autism-how-autistic-identity-is-experienced-differently
Williams, M. (2004). The velveteen rabbit. Egmont Books.
Wilson, K., & Dufrene, T. (2010). Things might go terribly, horribly wrong: A guide to life liberated from anxiety. New Harbinger Publications.
This content is for educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health advice. If you're struggling with identity or masking issues that significantly impact your daily functioning, consider consulting with a neurodivergent-affirming mental health professional who can provide personalised support.
