I have been re-reading Overcoming Perfectionism by Roz Shafran, Sarah Egan and Tracey Wade, and it has got me thinking about so many of the people I work with, and how hard perfectionism can be to put into words.
So let us start with an example.
You invite friends over for dinner. You have planned the menu and cleaned the house, and then the main course does not come out quite right. Maybe the recipe did not work, or something got overcooked. Instead of thinking “the meal was not great”, you decide the whole night is ruined, and that you are a failure.
But here is the thing. Your friends are not sitting there thinking that. They think you are lovely for having them over and making them a meal. The meal not going right does not change who you are.
Or maybe you never get as far as the dinner, because you do not invite anyone round in the first place. The house just does not feel good enough.
That is what perfectionism can look like. Put simply, perfectionism is when you push yourself to meet very high standards and judge your self-worth on whether you meet them, even when it is costing you your wellbeing.
So what actually is it?
Perfectionism is tricky to define, because it is less about what is reasonable in general and more about what is reasonable for you.
Some people can work towards a big goal and still feel good. Others can reach the same goal, but they are completely stressed out, letting other areas of their life slip, and burning out trying to get there.
That is not because they are not good enough. It is because everyone’s life is different, and so is everyone’s capacity. What feels manageable for one person may take everything another person has.
When reaching a goal starts to cost you your health, your relationships or your wellbeing, that is when we start to notice that perfectionism has become a problem.
The book describes perfectionism as:
trying to meet demanding standards you have set yourself, even when it is having a negative effect on you, and
basing your self-worth on how well you think you met those standards.
And that is the important part: how well you think you did. Not what actually happened.
When it is about the feeling, not the facts
I see this time and time again in my practice, including with university students.
Rather than asking “Did I pass? What went well?”, they judge themselves on how it felt to do the work, what they think they should have done, and what they feel they should have been able to do. The black and white result might be absolutely fine. But it is the thought or feeling of “I should have done better” that decides how they feel about themselves.
Perfectionism or healthy striving: what is the difference?
There is nothing wrong with wanting to do well. Pursuing excellence can be a good thing.
It becomes a problem when your self-worth depends on meeting your standards, and when your mental health starts to slip because you are doing everything you can to jump through hoops you have set yourself, hoops that are nearly impossible to reach.
We see it in all sorts of areas: studying, work, body image, having the nicest car or the best house. We decide what we “should” be achieving, and when we do not get there, our self-worth takes the hit. What we miss is that the standards themselves might be unrealistic for us.
Take me, for example. I will probably never live in a £1 million home. No matter what I do, getting there would mean breaking my back, because of where I am in life, the cards I have been dealt, and how I have managed them. But that does not mean I am not a worthwhile, successful person. Yes, I would love that life! But it is also okay that it is not the life I am living.
Never satisfied
Now think about a runner. They decide they want to finish a race in a certain time, and they just miss it. So they beat themselves up, and they come straight back with a new, harder plan.
What they do not do is stop and ask: Was I carrying an injury? What went well? What did not? Why might I have missed that time? How did everyone else do? Did I actually do incredibly well?
Or they hit their goal, and rather than being delighted with what they have done, they have already decided what is next and what has to be bigger and better.
Either way, they feel rubbish, and their body and mental health are put under huge strain. That is perfectionism: never being satisfied with how far you have come, and pushing for more in a way that does not help.
Could this be you?
The book suggests some questions to help you notice unhelpful perfectionism. Here are a few that I see come up most often:
Do you focus on what you have not achieved, rather than what you have?
When you reach a goal, do you set the bar higher straight away?
Does your self-worth depend on striving and achieving?
Do you put things off in case you fail, or because doing it “properly” would take so long?
If you are nodding along, please know that this is really common, and it is not a sign that something is wrong with you.
Where to start
Next time something does not go to plan, try looking at the facts before the feeling. What actually happened? What went well? What got in the way?
Notice the difference between “that did not go right” and “I am a failure”. One is about the situation. The other is about who you are, and those are not the same thing.
You do not have to figure this out alone
If perfectionism is affecting your wellbeing, your relationships or your work, CBT therapy is one way to work on the self-criticism that keeps it going. If you would like to talk it through, you can book a free 15 minute call with me, with no pressure to book anything afterwards.
Keep reading
The role of perfectionism in feeling not good enough: how CBT can help
Why every woman should read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown
Why people with ADHD think they are stupid: insights from a CBT therapist
Samantha Chapman-Allen, CBT therapist (Registered Member of BACP, MBACP) and Certified ADHD Works Coach, working online with adults across the UK from Perthshire, Scotland. ADHD coaching is a separate service and is not covered by my BACP membership.
This post is for general information and is not a substitute for professional support. Examples describe common patterns and are not about any individual client. If you need urgent help, contact Samaritans on 116 123, Breathing Space on 0800 83 85 87, or NHS 24 on 111. In an emergency, call 999.
Reference: Shafran, R., Egan, S., & Wade, T. (2018). Overcoming Perfectionism (2nd ed.). Robinson.
